I’m going to take a detour from the spiritual aspect thread I’ve been following and jump to the emotional aspect. This week I was writing to a friend who is also suffering from a debilitating illness. I found myself sharing quite vulnerably about two emotional traps that I have fallen into from time to time. As it could provide some insight for you into my thoughts, I will share an except from that letter…
‘I don’t know much about [your particular situation], but I do know something about having a debilitating illness. I will speak vulnerably now, and ask you to see if there might be some similarity with your situation.
‘There are two dangerous traps that I have to keep an eye out for constantly. And to be honest, I fall into both of them more often than I’d like to admit. The first trap is using my illness as an excuse not to do something that is difficult or that I don’t feel like doing. It’s a trap because it’s so easy to get away with and can so easily become a habit that I don’t consciously realise that I’m doing. It’s dangerous because it is manipulative of others and steals opportunities from me.
‘The second trap is even more subtle. It’s the enjoyment I get from all the attention I receive due to my illness. This attention comes in many forms: sympathy, admiration, respect, communication, etc. The attention isn’t a trap, but the enjoyment I get from it is because it fuels my ego and feeds my inherent need for acceptance and recognition. It’s dangerous because, unbelievable as it may sound, it provides a surprisingly strong motivation not to get well.’
I don’t for a moment think that everyone facing serious illness also struggles with these two emotional traps. But they are very real for me and, I suspect, more than a few others. The way I have found to deal effectively with these two traps is this: Prayer. Prayer reminds me that, as Rick Warren put it, “It’s not about me.” When I pray, things are put back into perspective. Selfish motives are exposed, I am reminded of the love and acceptance freely given by God, and my desire to serve Him (rather than self) is restored. What a powerful thing prayer is!
10 April 2009
02 April 2009
THE SPIRITUAL ASPECT – No. 8
As I wrote in my last post, I have written often about the fact that we believe God has said He is going to heal me of ALS/MND. I have often wondered when and where this healing may take place. Twice since my diagnosis we have had great expectations for receiving my healing at a specific event. The first took place about a year ago, and second happened recently. Having written about the first event in the previous post, I’ll now describe the details of the second event…
Our church often hosts leaders from other churches with whom we have a close relationship. One such leader was scheduled to visit recently. There was great anticipation among the members of the church, since this particular man is known to have been used often by God in the miraculous. The whole church fasted and prayed each Tuesday leading up to the weekend of his visit. Our faith was stirred, and we were all expectant of seeing God performing signs and wonders through His servant.
We had meetings on Sunday morning and evening, and we all experienced an almost tangible manifestation of the presence of God in both meetings. During the morning meeting he prayed for me, and then a group of people from our church gathered around me and continued praying prayers of faith for my healing. One man even brought his video recorder determined to capture my healing on video!
The group around me kept praying quite a long time. But despite our high level of faith, the healing didn’t take place.
Again, in this instance, a part of me was disappointed at not receiving my healing immediately, but at no point did I lose the hope of being healed. And again, I came away from this experience with many things:
Our church often hosts leaders from other churches with whom we have a close relationship. One such leader was scheduled to visit recently. There was great anticipation among the members of the church, since this particular man is known to have been used often by God in the miraculous. The whole church fasted and prayed each Tuesday leading up to the weekend of his visit. Our faith was stirred, and we were all expectant of seeing God performing signs and wonders through His servant.
We had meetings on Sunday morning and evening, and we all experienced an almost tangible manifestation of the presence of God in both meetings. During the morning meeting he prayed for me, and then a group of people from our church gathered around me and continued praying prayers of faith for my healing. One man even brought his video recorder determined to capture my healing on video!
The group around me kept praying quite a long time. But despite our high level of faith, the healing didn’t take place.
Again, in this instance, a part of me was disappointed at not receiving my healing immediately, but at no point did I lose the hope of being healed. And again, I came away from this experience with many things:
- I am even more certain that God is going to heal me on this side of eternity!
- I have been blown away by the love and compassion of so many people who are so desperate to see me healed and restored.
- I am convinced that this illness is as much a test of the faith of our church (and the many other people praying for me) as it is a test of my faith.
- I believe that every time an individual or a group prays for me, the healing is one step closer; but I also believe that the healing will be a spontaneous event not taking place amidst a lot of hype and fanfare.
- It has reinforced my conviction not to look to any individual as the source of healing, but only to God.
- It has made me even more determined to seek the Giver as well as His gift of healing.
08 March 2009
THE SPIRITUAL ASPECT – No. 7
I have written often about the fact that we believe God has said He is going to heal me of ALS/MND. I have often wondered when and where this healing may take place. Will it be with other people around, or when I am alone? Will it happen while Christian believers are laying on hands and praying for me, or will it be spontaneous? Will it take place at home, at school, during a church service, or will I need to travel somewhere else?
Twice since my diagnosis we have had great expectations for receiving my healing at a specific event. The first took place about a year ago, and second happened recently. Because of space, I will describe these two instances in two separate posts. Please bear with me as relate the details of the first event…
Almost since my initial diagnosis, people had been encouraging us to attend one of a certain pastor’s events. We had never felt comfortable with it until several members of the youth group in our church approached us saying that they wanted to take me to the upcoming event at a stadium in the area. They had prayed a lot about it and were full of faith. One of them had even had a dream in which she had seen me as I am on a Sunday morning and then completely restored that Sunday evening. We consulted the elders in our church, and they came back saying that if we felt it was right, they were with us. So we gathered a group to go with us, phoned to book our tickets and began waiting and praying.
A few days before the event, God took me back to Psalm 118, a passage I had received from three different sources soon after my diagnosis…
15 Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
“The LORD’S right hand has done mighty things!
16 The LORD’S right hand is lifted high;
the LORD’S right hand has done mighty things!”
17 I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
18 The LORD has chastened me severely,
but he has not given me over to death.
19 Open for me the gates of righteousness;
I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.
20 This is the gate of the LORD
through which the righteous may enter.
21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.
So our faith was high.
Friday came and we were very excited. We had tried to fetch the tickets on Thursday, but were told they were not available. So a friend set off early Friday morning to collect them from the stadium. The scene that greeted him was nothing short of chaos! It took Him until after 10 just to get parking. And before he got to the front of the line, it was around 12 and they were closing the gates and saying the stadium was filled to capacity! This news initially knocked the wind from my sails. But Nicky immediately suggested that, as everyone’s faith was stirred, we all join the youth group meeting that same night at the church building. I prayed about it, fighting confusion and disappointment. As I prayed, I was reminded of the lame man at the Pool of Bethesda who couldn’t get to where the action was, but received healing directly from Jesus where he was. That rekindled hope in me, and we made plans to meet with the youth that night.
Then… a phone call from one of the girls in the youth saying she was at the Stadium and that they were still letting people through the gates. So a quick bite to eat and back to plan A!
Until… another phone call from the same girl saying they had just closed the gates and were not letting any more people in. So, back to plan B!
And then… a phone call from a friend inside the Stadium saying people were still coming in!
At this point we were at our wits end. We know our God is not the author of confusion, and we recognised the attempts of the enemy to distract us. So the final decision was made—to go to the youth group meeting!
At 7:30 we gathered with the youth for a short time of teaching. The youth leader did a great job of setting the stage and stirring people’s faith without resorting to hyped up emotionalism. We began singing praises to God, and His presence filled the room. Then everyone began praying—next to me were two of the girls from the youth group who had really driven this from the beginning; the rest of the youth group in a circle around us; and several adults surrounding them. It was awesome, and I lost track of time completely. I only know that it was after 10 when we got in the car to come home.
Was I healed that night? Not immediately.
Was I disappointed? A part of me was, yes.
Do I regret not having made it to the stadium? Not a bit.
Did I lose hope? Absolutely NOT!!!
I came away from Friday night with many things:
- I was stirred out of what had become a resignation to a seemingly inevitable process of degeneration.
- I experienced a greater outpouring of love from God and His people than I ever thought possible.
- I was inspired by the faith of two young women.
- And I became more certain than ever that God is going to heal me on this side of eternity!
28 February 2009
THE SPIRITUAL ASPECT – No. 6
I want to continue documenting some of the incidents in which God has guided us, provided for us and spoken to us since my diagnosis. This week, I’m going to risk sharing something that I have felt in my heart for some time now but have never attempted to verbalise. My desire to do so now was prompted by a comment made by one of Nicky’s cousins last week at a family gathering.
I share this in humility to make a point. Nicky’s cousin said something to the effect of, “I just don’t understand why God would allow something like this to happen to someone who is serving Him and doing so much good.” I appreciate her compliment, and understand her argument. I think it comes down to the much-asked question, “How can a good God allow His people to suffer?”
Many books have been written on this subject, and I’m not going to attempt to condense them all into one blog post. However, as I wrote earlier, I do want to present a personal perspective on this question.
My perspective comes from the stories of Joe and Job. In the account of Jesus healing the man born blind, we are not told the name of man who was healed. He was just your average ‘Joe’ trying to make it in spite of some difficult circumstances. Like Nicky’s cousin, Jesus’ disciples had the mindset that bad things should only happen to bad people, so they asked, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Job had the same experience when his friends insisted that he must have done something wrong to deserve all his tragedy.
Jesus’ reply to His disciples reveals a different perspective. He said, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.” Looking at this reply from the old perspective, one would think it cruel of God to allow this man to suffer so many years of blindness. But look with me from the new perspective and think, “What an honour God bestowed upon this young man, that he would become the vehicle through which God would accomplish some very important purposes—important enough to be recorded in John’s Gospel!”
I believe that some of God’s purposes could only be accomplished by someone with my unique set of experiences, circumstances and gifts. The same is true of everyone. Now here comes the risky part: I genuinely feel honoured that God has chosen me to be the one through which He is accomplishing those purposes.
God has already accomplished so much through my illness that even if He doesn’t heal me, it will have been worth it. But I believe He will heal me—not because I’m a ‘good’ person, but to accomplish more of His purposes in and through me. That’s why I now pray more for the time after I am healed than for healing itself.
I share this in humility to make a point. Nicky’s cousin said something to the effect of, “I just don’t understand why God would allow something like this to happen to someone who is serving Him and doing so much good.” I appreciate her compliment, and understand her argument. I think it comes down to the much-asked question, “How can a good God allow His people to suffer?”
Many books have been written on this subject, and I’m not going to attempt to condense them all into one blog post. However, as I wrote earlier, I do want to present a personal perspective on this question.
My perspective comes from the stories of Joe and Job. In the account of Jesus healing the man born blind, we are not told the name of man who was healed. He was just your average ‘Joe’ trying to make it in spite of some difficult circumstances. Like Nicky’s cousin, Jesus’ disciples had the mindset that bad things should only happen to bad people, so they asked, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Job had the same experience when his friends insisted that he must have done something wrong to deserve all his tragedy.
Jesus’ reply to His disciples reveals a different perspective. He said, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.” Looking at this reply from the old perspective, one would think it cruel of God to allow this man to suffer so many years of blindness. But look with me from the new perspective and think, “What an honour God bestowed upon this young man, that he would become the vehicle through which God would accomplish some very important purposes—important enough to be recorded in John’s Gospel!”
I believe that some of God’s purposes could only be accomplished by someone with my unique set of experiences, circumstances and gifts. The same is true of everyone. Now here comes the risky part: I genuinely feel honoured that God has chosen me to be the one through which He is accomplishing those purposes.
God has already accomplished so much through my illness that even if He doesn’t heal me, it will have been worth it. But I believe He will heal me—not because I’m a ‘good’ person, but to accomplish more of His purposes in and through me. That’s why I now pray more for the time after I am healed than for healing itself.
24 February 2009
THE SPIRITUAL ASPECT – No. 5
I’ve often written about how God has guided us, provided for us and spoken to us since my diagnosis in July 2006. In the next several posts I want to document some of these incidents. I trust that these accounts will prove to be encouraging for you to read. I also anticipate that it will be a very valuable exercise for me to review all the evidence of God’s hand on us throughout this time.
No series of events is more indicative of God intervening in our circumstances than the story of how we have been able to remain living in the flat where we have lived since 1997. Soon after I was diagnosed, Nicky and I began to plan ahead based on a quite bleak prognosis. One of the first things we had to consider was where we would live. Staying where we were, on the third floor of a block of flats with no lift (elevator, for the American readers), just wasn’t an option. So we began looking around for alternatives.
After looking at several places, none of which were suitable, we started feeling a bit discouraged. One particularly unsuccessful afternoon, we decided to call it a day and take in a movie. Nicky agreed to see ‘Superman Returns with me (a real labour of love!), so we bought our tickets, grabbed some popcorn and settled into our seats. It didn’t take long for Nicky to lose interest in the movie (I can’t imagine why), so she started a conversation with God. It went something like this:
Nicky: “Come on, Lord! Please help us find the right place to stay. We’ve looked at so many, and nothing has been suitable.”
God: “But I never told you to move.”
Nicky: “Okay, but in order to stay where we are, we’d have to have a lift installed, and that’s impossible!”
God: “Mmmm…”
When we got home, Nicky told me about what God had said, and the next day we started investigating. I had always known that there was an unused lift shaft next to the stairway in our building, but no one seemed to know why the lift was never installed. The existing shaft was a huge blessing, but in our investigation we also discovered that the total cost of installation would be around R300,000 (about US$40,000)., and that before installation could begin, we would need the approval of the owners of all 30 sectional title apartments.
Nicky and I began visiting all of the owners one-by-one, asking for their signature on two separate letters, one saying simply that they were in favour of installing a lift in the complex, the other dealing with the financial matters associated with the installation. God’s favour was on us as all 30 owners gave their approval for the lift to be installed, and all but one owner agreed to contribute the necessary funds according to the financial plan we presented. In addition we later received a donation to cover the full amount outstanding due to the one owner who had declined to contribute.
In May of 2007, 10 months after “Superman Returns” and right at the point where it was becoming impossible for me to climb the stairs, we took our first ride in the new lift! God is indeed good!
No series of events is more indicative of God intervening in our circumstances than the story of how we have been able to remain living in the flat where we have lived since 1997. Soon after I was diagnosed, Nicky and I began to plan ahead based on a quite bleak prognosis. One of the first things we had to consider was where we would live. Staying where we were, on the third floor of a block of flats with no lift (elevator, for the American readers), just wasn’t an option. So we began looking around for alternatives.
After looking at several places, none of which were suitable, we started feeling a bit discouraged. One particularly unsuccessful afternoon, we decided to call it a day and take in a movie. Nicky agreed to see ‘Superman Returns with me (a real labour of love!), so we bought our tickets, grabbed some popcorn and settled into our seats. It didn’t take long for Nicky to lose interest in the movie (I can’t imagine why), so she started a conversation with God. It went something like this:
Nicky: “Come on, Lord! Please help us find the right place to stay. We’ve looked at so many, and nothing has been suitable.”
God: “But I never told you to move.”
Nicky: “Okay, but in order to stay where we are, we’d have to have a lift installed, and that’s impossible!”
God: “Mmmm…”
When we got home, Nicky told me about what God had said, and the next day we started investigating. I had always known that there was an unused lift shaft next to the stairway in our building, but no one seemed to know why the lift was never installed. The existing shaft was a huge blessing, but in our investigation we also discovered that the total cost of installation would be around R300,000 (about US$40,000)., and that before installation could begin, we would need the approval of the owners of all 30 sectional title apartments.
Nicky and I began visiting all of the owners one-by-one, asking for their signature on two separate letters, one saying simply that they were in favour of installing a lift in the complex, the other dealing with the financial matters associated with the installation. God’s favour was on us as all 30 owners gave their approval for the lift to be installed, and all but one owner agreed to contribute the necessary funds according to the financial plan we presented. In addition we later received a donation to cover the full amount outstanding due to the one owner who had declined to contribute.
In May of 2007, 10 months after “Superman Returns” and right at the point where it was becoming impossible for me to climb the stairs, we took our first ride in the new lift! God is indeed good!
17 February 2009
THE EMOTIONAL ASPECT – No. 4
We all have preferences. And we all have a range of ways in which we express those preferences. When people feel very strongly about their preferences, we call them insistent, and in extreme cases, dogmatic control freaks. When people do not express their preferences very strongly, we say that they are easy-going, and in extreme cases, label them as doormats.
I think I’ve become more insistent about those preferences over which I still have some degree of control. But as I have become more dependent upon others for basic functions, I have, out of necessity, become more easy-going in those areas. I prefer showering to bathing. I prefer my clothes cupboard to be arranged a certain way. I prefer my hair and nails to be done a certain way. The list goes on. All of these are preferences of which I’ve relinquished control.
I believe that one of the reasons some people in similar circumstances become angry and bitter is that they don’t release those preferences and instead become more dogmatic about them. This is an understandable reaction to the feeling that one is losing control, but is also detrimental to oneself and to others.
On the contrary, a vast majority of the people that I have encountered in similar circumstances to my own display a remarkable degree of peace. I believe one of the keys to this is the ability to release the preferences that are actually not very important.
Finally, I want to emphasize that God’s grace is a huge factor in being able to cope with releasing these preferences. Without His supernatural help, I don’t think I’d be able to do it, and I certainly wouldn’t have the peace of mind and heart that I have now.
I think I’ve become more insistent about those preferences over which I still have some degree of control. But as I have become more dependent upon others for basic functions, I have, out of necessity, become more easy-going in those areas. I prefer showering to bathing. I prefer my clothes cupboard to be arranged a certain way. I prefer my hair and nails to be done a certain way. The list goes on. All of these are preferences of which I’ve relinquished control.
I believe that one of the reasons some people in similar circumstances become angry and bitter is that they don’t release those preferences and instead become more dogmatic about them. This is an understandable reaction to the feeling that one is losing control, but is also detrimental to oneself and to others.
On the contrary, a vast majority of the people that I have encountered in similar circumstances to my own display a remarkable degree of peace. I believe one of the keys to this is the ability to release the preferences that are actually not very important.
Finally, I want to emphasize that God’s grace is a huge factor in being able to cope with releasing these preferences. Without His supernatural help, I don’t think I’d be able to do it, and I certainly wouldn’t have the peace of mind and heart that I have now.
18 January 2009
THE EMOTIONAL ASPECT – No. 3
Part of coping emotionally with this (or any) disease is the ability to maintain and enjoy a sense of humour. Being able to see the funny side of things helps to offset and interrupt the heaviness that can rear its head now and again.
We have laughed often at ourselves and have built a large collection of happy memories and humorous moments upon which to draw when necessary. I will relate two of them here that have to do with the deterioration of my voice.
The first happened just over a year after my diagnosis. My speech had slowed down quite a bit, but people were able to understand me easily. Easily enough that I was asked by the leader of our church to preach one Sunday. I enjoyed the preparation immensely and felt that God had given a message for the church. But I had a problem. How could I put people at ease when they could see the effort it took for me to speak? In other words, how could I ensure that my voice wasn’t a distraction from the message I wanted to get across?
God gave me the answer as I was going over my sermon the day before. The next morning I introduced my sermon by saying, “You will notice that this disease has affected my voice causing me to speak quite slowly. As a result, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good is for those of you taking notes of the message this morning: You should have no problem keeping up! The bad news for all of us is that we may finish just in time for the evening prayer meeting!” The ice was broken, and the sermon went well.
The second incident involved Nicky’s uncle and a few other family members and friends. It took place about two years after my diagnosis when my speech had become increasingly difficult to understand. We were all sitting in our flat after lunch when the conversation somehow turned to Sylvester Stallone and his performances in the Rocky movies. Responding to a comment on Stallone’s dialogue in these movies, Nicky’s uncle suggested that I could do as well in that role. On cue, I let rip with the trademark line, “Adrian!” When we finished laughing, all agreed that it had been a near-perfect impersonation!
We have laughed often at ourselves and have built a large collection of happy memories and humorous moments upon which to draw when necessary. I will relate two of them here that have to do with the deterioration of my voice.
The first happened just over a year after my diagnosis. My speech had slowed down quite a bit, but people were able to understand me easily. Easily enough that I was asked by the leader of our church to preach one Sunday. I enjoyed the preparation immensely and felt that God had given a message for the church. But I had a problem. How could I put people at ease when they could see the effort it took for me to speak? In other words, how could I ensure that my voice wasn’t a distraction from the message I wanted to get across?
God gave me the answer as I was going over my sermon the day before. The next morning I introduced my sermon by saying, “You will notice that this disease has affected my voice causing me to speak quite slowly. As a result, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good is for those of you taking notes of the message this morning: You should have no problem keeping up! The bad news for all of us is that we may finish just in time for the evening prayer meeting!” The ice was broken, and the sermon went well.
The second incident involved Nicky’s uncle and a few other family members and friends. It took place about two years after my diagnosis when my speech had become increasingly difficult to understand. We were all sitting in our flat after lunch when the conversation somehow turned to Sylvester Stallone and his performances in the Rocky movies. Responding to a comment on Stallone’s dialogue in these movies, Nicky’s uncle suggested that I could do as well in that role. On cue, I let rip with the trademark line, “Adrian!” When we finished laughing, all agreed that it had been a near-perfect impersonation!
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