THE SPIRITUAL ASPECT – No. 2

I’ve written at length about the physical milestones that I have experienced so far. And I’ve stated that each physical milestone reached carries with it a corresponding loss of independence. This fact has led me to reach one of the most important spiritual milestones along this journey.

Before the diagnosis, I had become quite independent and self-sufficient. Eleven years of marriage to a wonderfully capable and loving wife should have helped me realise my need for others, but Nicky will attest to how hard it was for me to follow up the words, “I love you” with the words, “I need you.” Growing up as an only child; going off to college where I knew no one; taking a job in a town where I knew no one; and leaving for South Africa where I knew no one all contributed to my reluctance to rely on others.

Even after my diagnosis I stubbornly kept on trying to do things myself—much to my wife’s frustration and to my own peril! I would struggle on, sometimes succeeding—often failing, because it usually never even occurred to me to ask for help. Only after Nicky or someone else offered assistance did I face the fact that I was having difficulty. And even then my almost automatic response was, ”No, I’m alright.” Only if I could see that I really wasn’t going to make it would I accept the offer of help—far from graciously at times, I must admit!

But as I reached more and more physical milestones, it began to sink in that I was becoming more and more dependent on the help of others. The difficulty for me then became to determine how much to try myself and how much to ask for assistance. Eventually, I realised that the important thing for me was the willingness to (graciously) ask for and receive help. Then the specific circumstances would work themselves out.

At this point, you may be wondering why I chose to write these things under the ’Spiritual Aspect’ heading. The reason is that God is using these circumstances to teach me a very important spiritual lesson. As much as I had learned to trust God with the ‘big’ things in my life, I retained control of the everyday things. Only after I had exhausted every option I could think of would I turn to God and ask for help (often grudgingly, as well).

I’ve learned that the difference between living and working in His strength and doing so in my own strength comes down to timing and trust. Timing, in that the time to pray is before I begin, not once I’m stuck. And trust, in that I can trust God to be in control whether things turn out the way I want them to or not. Do I relapse? Yes, often. But I’m learning to depend on Him more consistently and completely.